Out of Control

Part One

The following was written from my perspective the day of the story and where I was at in the moment. Part Two will be from my perspective after the fact and how God brought glory to a hard situation.

Today I sent a teammate, who has become like a sister, off to the hospital in San Jose for a minor surgery. I wasn't able to go with her because of ministry needs and what I have committed to here in Costa Rica. After we said our goodbyes, I found myself lying in bed crying and so afraid. I was shocked at my emotions because rationally it was just for a few days, a minor surgery, and she was with our squad leader who is amazing. And yet I was crying and afraid. 

As I was filtering though these emotions with God, I realized the root of my fear; I don't trust the Lord with the people I love and care about most. 

Let me back up the story a little to fill you in on where this lack of trust all started. A large part of my testimony that God has been redeeming is from the summer of 2016. That summer I was on mission in Nicaragua for 12 weeks and a dear friend to me was in the hospital for something that she dealt with her whole life. I was told it was not serious and she would be fine. So... I didn't take the time to check in on her and left for my mission trip with plans to see her when I got back. 3 days into my 12 week mission trip, I got news that she had suddenly passed away and it wrecked my world. I had so many questions. I was hurt and angry with God, and honestly confused. I have since seen God bring glory through that time in so many ways and I thought I had been completely healed from the hurts of that summer, of that loss. 

However, lying in bed this morning while my sweet friend was headed to the hospital without me, I realized that I had never addressed my trusting God with loved ones. I am afraid because again I am on mission and someone who is such a light in my life, that I love so much, is going through a minor surgery, and I don't trust the Lord to take care of her. I am afraid it will be a repeat of the loss I experienced in 2016. 

So where does that leave me now? I figure I have 2 options. Either I let the fear of what might happen dictate my day and create a wall between me and my Father, or I acknowledge this new distrust I feel and grow closer to my father. 

I choose to take these new feelings to my Father so he can bring redemption, healing, and love. I choose to confront this fear and take away its power over me, and I choose to grow closer to my Father who wants to take care of me. 

I hope God can speak to you through my sharing of this story. I have prayed over sharing this because it can be scary to share things close to our hearts, but I want to share His story through my life. I will be posting the Part Two of this story tomorrow and how God brings redemption to our hurts. I hope you all will come back and read about how amazing our Father is.