Out of Control
Part One
The following was written from my perspective the day of the story and where I was at in the moment. Part Two will be from my perspective after the fact and how God brought glory to a hard situation.
Today I sent a teammate, who has become like a sister, off to the hospital in San Jose for a minor surgery. I wasn’t able to go with her because of ministry needs and what I have committed to here in Costa Rica. After we said our goodbyes, I found myself lying in bed crying and so afraid. I was shocked at my emotions because rationally it was just for a few days, a minor surgery, and she was with our squad leader who is amazing. And yet I was crying and afraid.
As I was filtering though these emotions with God, I realized the root of my fear; I don’t trust the Lord with the people I love and care about most.
Let me back up the story a little to fill you in on where this lack of trust all started. A large part of my testimony that God has been redeeming is from the summer of 2016. That summer I was on mission in Nicaragua for 12 weeks and a dear friend to me was in the hospital for something that she dealt with her whole life. I was told it was not serious and she would be fine. So… I didn’t take the time to check in on her and left for my mission trip with plans to see her when I got back. 3 days into my 12 week mission trip, I got news that she had suddenly passed away and it wrecked my world. I had so many questions. I was hurt and angry with God, and honestly confused. I have since seen God bring glory through that time in so many ways and I thought I had been completely healed from the hurts of that summer, of that loss.
However, lying in bed this morning while my sweet friend was headed to the hospital without me, I realized that I had never addressed my trusting God with loved ones. I am afraid because again I am on mission and someone who is such a light in my life, that I love so much, is going through a minor surgery, and I don’t trust the Lord to take care of her. I am afraid it will be a repeat of the loss I experienced in 2016.
So where does that leave me now? I figure I have 2 options. Either I let the fear of what might happen dictate my day and create a wall between me and my Father, or I acknowledge this new distrust I feel and grow closer to my father.
I choose to take these new feelings to my Father so he can bring redemption, healing, and love. I choose to confront this fear and take away its power over me, and I choose to grow closer to my Father who wants to take care of me.
I hope God can speak to you through my sharing of this story. I have prayed over sharing this because it can be scary to share things close to our hearts, but I want to share His story through my life. I will be posting the Part Two of this story tomorrow and how God brings redemption to our hurts. I hope you all will come back and read about how amazing our Father is.
Oh my sweet daughter, that summer was a particularly difficult summer for you. One that challenged you and your faith. I am so proud of you for sharing your struggles through that difficult time and how they affected your response to this more recent event. I know that God has shown his love and redemption to you and all of us so many times since that sad and difficult year. But it is still difficult in the moment to always remember the good that comes out of difficult times. I can’t wait to read part two and see how God has been working in your life to strengthen your faith and your relationship with our Heavenly Father. Love you so much and am so proud of you and your faith to follow where the Lord leads you!
Thank you for sharing your heart and being vulnerable Ashton. Trust you will see God’s healing hand and comfort. Praying for you and your team:)
Ashton, You are an amazing young lady. I am sorry for the loss of your friend. God is in control and everything is in His time. Prayers for your friend going thru surgery now. Positive thinking. Keep us posted. Happy Birthday.????????
Ashton, You are an amazing young lady. I am sorry for the loss of your friend. God is in control and everything is in His time. Prayers for your friend going thru surgery now. Positive thinking. Keep us posted. Happy Birthday.????????
You are definitely walking this out with God and I am so proud of you and the bond God is bringing back between you and Him I know He is proud of you and is happy to see you trying, He will meet you where your at with open arms to show you his love, his grace, and to teach you through this, you are such an amazing sister and such an inspiration in all you do, keep your head up and keep your focus on our Father.
Oh Ashton, I am so proud to call you my daughter! The Lord had blessed your dad and I with 2 wonderful daughters!! I am so proud of you for your honesty and humility! I think many of us struggle with letting go and letting God! I know I do and ask his forgiveness for my struggles in trusting fully! I know God is there with you and helping you to grow through all of this! Thank you for being open and vulnerable and helping me to be the same! Love you so!!!
Prayers for your peace and trusting God. You are a beautiful young lady and I know this experience will be everlasting in your walk with Him.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. You are such a beautiful person and friend. I understand so well your feelings. When Tom was sick I had those same feelings. Fear of losing him too. It’s so hard. We know God’s plans are good and better than we can imagine. I have to remind myself of that daily. I’m ready to hear your part two and I’ll be praying for healing for both you and your friend. Thank you for loving Kenzie so well. She’d be so proud of you. Keep letting your light shine bright!
Thank you for being vulnerable in sharing your deep fear with us! Fear is probably the toughest thing to share with others!
Isn’t Father sooo good, especially in how He resolved this?!?!!! 😉
Beautiful! Remember, too, that loss affects you for the rest of your life. Grieving comes in many forms and will sometimes reappear when you least expect it. It’s part of the healing. It hurts. But sometimes its necessary. Love you so.
Love you sweet girl! Excited to hear part 2. Happy birthday ????